Getting past your partner's infidelity can be a long journey. The key to success in getting over such a hurdle is for both people to understand what role they need to play.
The Betrayer
The betrayer must understand and accept responsibility for their role as the originator of all the havoc. You don't have to wear any scarlet letters, but acceptance and ownership is key before a resolution can be reached.
The Betrayed
The Betrayed has to be honest with themselves, before anyone else, and really gauge if the relationship is worth the work it will take to salvage it and if they can actually let go.
Some key concepts to focus on while trying to work through this together are:
1. Remorse is a powerful tool. Admit to the truth and apologize. Never be afraid or ashamed to say "I'm Sorry". Lying will breed more resentment and hatred for your character, not the event. Remorse will lead to respect, which is all you can ask for in some cases.
2. Don't play the blame game. There may be issues in the relationship that lead to this event, but focusing on the problems will never lead you to a solution. Pointing your finger at someone only shows one direction, and you need to create a new path.
3.Counsel each other. I know it can be hard talking almost endlessly about the same issue, but all of your feelings (no matter how big/small or terrible/hurtful) must be expunged before you can work past the pain. During these talk sessions keep it in mind that this is therapy, patient Dr. privileges do apply. Which means that anythings said between the two of you must not be repeated to anyone else or rehashed to use as a weapon.
4. Working at regaining trust is a full time job. This means that everything you say must be right and exact, (at least for a comfortable amount of time) as to not allow any on going suspicion from your partner. Where ever you are supposed to be, be there. Keep your phone on, be available, you may need to answer on the spot questions in the continued journey to regain your credibility.
5. Renew you relationship. Your relationship after an indiscretion may never be the same, but look forward to the possibilities of what may become. Build on it like a brand new relationship. Keep the faith that there is a chance that this can actually make your bond much stronger. You can walk away with a renewed relationship on a much more solid foundation.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
How to fight in a relationship
Lesson Two: How to Fight in a Relationship
Let's break that idea down~ How can you fight with your partner in a healthy way? When is it worth the trouble?
Well, the answer to this is a little complicated, and it will involve taking another look at the fight and the results expected. Remember the point of a fight is not to change you partner's mind about an issue, (that may never happen) but merely find common ground for two people who disagree. Let's start with nine tips how to fight in a more healthy manner.
9. Never yell. I know we've all heard it before, and its pretty hard to do, because you're fighting. But never the less, yelling is proven to make people more agitated and less receptive.
8. Don't guilt trip. Rehashing our partner's earlier wrong doings decreases our partner's esteem, and has a tendency to cause only a negative reaction in them.
7. No setups. Don't make verbal traps for your partner to get stuck in, just because you see invalidity in their argument. It may be secretly funny to engage in these types of maneuvers, but they don't help the overall mission. Also, if your partner catches it, you run the risk of making them feel like you're patronizing them.
6. Keep it adult. We are all adults here, let's not get too petty with name calling or useless swearing.
5. Stop crying. Tearing up to get your way, just isn't fair. Many of you ladies (and even some of you guys ;)) know exactly what I'm talking about. Crying can be like Kryptonite, weakening your partner to a point of submission without as much as a rational thought as to what they are agreeing to. To pry on the weakness of another doesn't empower anyone.
4. Ask to be heard. It may be hard to believe, but sometimes you actually have to ask to be heard in an argument. If you feel your partner is zoning out, or only focusing their perspective, ask for them to really listen to you. This may seem pointless but it is one of the most effective techniques listed, use it.
3. Analogies are awesome. Try to word your argument another way including other people, places, or things that your partner may relate to more than your argument. If he likes baseball, use that, she likes reality TV, use it, but make it meaningful and as synonymous to the actual argument as possible.
2. Keep it between the two of you. It may be really tempting to go get advise from a friend or family member, but for most arguments its a useless technique and sometimes can make your partner feel like you betrayed their trust.
1. Just stop and think about it. Sometimes after you walk away, and give yourself space and time to envision you partner's stand point, you overcome your own personal wall of disbelief. Then, before you know it, you have reached an understanding.
So when is it all worth the trouble? The answer to that is use discretion depending on you're fighting for. Two fight worthy examples are: making sure you both understand exactly what cheating is, or if its time to take the next step in your relationship. The point is try to keep the issues big. The small discrepancies will be many over time and sometimes pretty frequent in occurrence, so let them slide. Choose your battles wisely.
Let's break that idea down~ How can you fight with your partner in a healthy way? When is it worth the trouble?
Well, the answer to this is a little complicated, and it will involve taking another look at the fight and the results expected. Remember the point of a fight is not to change you partner's mind about an issue, (that may never happen) but merely find common ground for two people who disagree. Let's start with nine tips how to fight in a more healthy manner.
9. Never yell. I know we've all heard it before, and its pretty hard to do, because you're fighting. But never the less, yelling is proven to make people more agitated and less receptive.
8. Don't guilt trip. Rehashing our partner's earlier wrong doings decreases our partner's esteem, and has a tendency to cause only a negative reaction in them.
7. No setups. Don't make verbal traps for your partner to get stuck in, just because you see invalidity in their argument. It may be secretly funny to engage in these types of maneuvers, but they don't help the overall mission. Also, if your partner catches it, you run the risk of making them feel like you're patronizing them.
6. Keep it adult. We are all adults here, let's not get too petty with name calling or useless swearing.
5. Stop crying. Tearing up to get your way, just isn't fair. Many of you ladies (and even some of you guys ;)) know exactly what I'm talking about. Crying can be like Kryptonite, weakening your partner to a point of submission without as much as a rational thought as to what they are agreeing to. To pry on the weakness of another doesn't empower anyone.
4. Ask to be heard. It may be hard to believe, but sometimes you actually have to ask to be heard in an argument. If you feel your partner is zoning out, or only focusing their perspective, ask for them to really listen to you. This may seem pointless but it is one of the most effective techniques listed, use it.
3. Analogies are awesome. Try to word your argument another way including other people, places, or things that your partner may relate to more than your argument. If he likes baseball, use that, she likes reality TV, use it, but make it meaningful and as synonymous to the actual argument as possible.
2. Keep it between the two of you. It may be really tempting to go get advise from a friend or family member, but for most arguments its a useless technique and sometimes can make your partner feel like you betrayed their trust.
1. Just stop and think about it. Sometimes after you walk away, and give yourself space and time to envision you partner's stand point, you overcome your own personal wall of disbelief. Then, before you know it, you have reached an understanding.
So when is it all worth the trouble? The answer to that is use discretion depending on you're fighting for. Two fight worthy examples are: making sure you both understand exactly what cheating is, or if its time to take the next step in your relationship. The point is try to keep the issues big. The small discrepancies will be many over time and sometimes pretty frequent in occurrence, so let them slide. Choose your battles wisely.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Lesson One
Lesson One
As far as life and relationships are concerned, You Get Out What You Put In.
Arthur and activist Gloria Steinmen was quoted with the belief about marriage, "The surest way to be alone is to get married." Would you agree? Has being in a relationship ever made you feel isolated? Well, she probably experienced just that in her marriage, but the reality of how she experiences her marriage will be based upon her belief system. Everyone's experience in a relationship is different, even to the two people in the relationship. Why is that you might ask?
Arthur and activist Gloria Steinmen was quoted with the belief about marriage, "The surest way to be alone is to get married." Would you agree? Has being in a relationship ever made you feel isolated? Well, she probably experienced just that in her marriage, but the reality of how she experiences her marriage will be based upon her belief system. Everyone's experience in a relationship is different, even to the two people in the relationship. Why is that you might ask?
Well, the way you experience your relationship is all about your belief system about relationships as a whole, your paradigm.
Paradigm as defined by Dictionary.com is
3. A set of assumptions, concepts, values, and practices that constitutes a way of viewing reality for the community that shares them, especially in an intellectual discipline.
It seems, Gloria Steinmen had a negative paradigm of how marriage isolated her. On the opposite end of the spectrum, if you have a positive outlook on relationships, and feel good about what you have to OFFER, it will result in a happy relationship that is greatly appreciated by both parties. In any relationship you should have a paradigm based around what you can honestly and comfortably Give to make the inner workings of it all easier.
Think constantly, how can I help to maintain and nurture this? A great relationship and rapport may fall into your lap in the beginning, but the maintenance is work.
Remember our lesson: You get out what you put in. Start today sewing some good seeds in the relationship you have, small positive efforts that need that need little but consistent care. You will reap the rewards in the long run.
Home work: What is you paradigm about you relationship? Is it positive or negative in nature? How can you improve it to get the results you want out of your relationship? Comment about your seeding and how its affecting your relationship....we all need the tips ;)
Think constantly, how can I help to maintain and nurture this? A great relationship and rapport may fall into your lap in the beginning, but the maintenance is work.
Remember our lesson: You get out what you put in. Start today sewing some good seeds in the relationship you have, small positive efforts that need that need little but consistent care. You will reap the rewards in the long run.
Home work: What is you paradigm about you relationship? Is it positive or negative in nature? How can you improve it to get the results you want out of your relationship? Comment about your seeding and how its affecting your relationship....we all need the tips ;)
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Hello
Hello everyone, This would be day one of my how to get him to marry me blog. When I say me I not only speak of myself, but please insert yourself there too. Do it, it feels good.
I hope to run this blog just like a class, so let's take attendance.
Single Ladies NJ *raises hand* "Present!"
Well today won't be too much work or puzzles to figure out, I'll save that for later in the course. This is going to be a wonderful journey if you take it with me, and I'm sure we will both learn a lot. I am going to blog about my daily efforts to improve my relationship and what we can do to "Get him to marry me." I don't want this to be a tell all, or just a one sided lecture series, so let's see how far we can get helping one another in our efforts.
Lesson One coming soon...
I hope to run this blog just like a class, so let's take attendance.
Single Ladies NJ *raises hand* "Present!"
Well today won't be too much work or puzzles to figure out, I'll save that for later in the course. This is going to be a wonderful journey if you take it with me, and I'm sure we will both learn a lot. I am going to blog about my daily efforts to improve my relationship and what we can do to "Get him to marry me." I don't want this to be a tell all, or just a one sided lecture series, so let's see how far we can get helping one another in our efforts.
Lesson One coming soon...
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